Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Moving On

If were are deliberately hurt by someone special to us at they same we still incredibly in love with him/her, we tend to hang on into the relationship hoping we can still fix the damage and filled the void in it. We became deaf the words of advises from your friends, we choose to be blinded of the worst thing we see. We even give justification on what they do instead of scrutinizing it. And the funny thing about this, sometime we can even blame yourself why they cheated us rather than kicking them away in our life. I always heard this quote from Papa Jack that "Ang buhay natin, malaking trial and error ‘yan especially when it comes to love. The reality is walang formula ang pagmamahal. You let go, you fall in love." Yeah, it’s true walang tamang formula sa buhay at sa larangan ng pag-ibig, we stumble and then we learn to stand up again.

I also have a share experiences about love, heartaches and moving on. I stumble in the world of LOVE not only once nor twice but many times. I cried not only a bucket of tear but many of them and I also taste the fierceness of sleepless nights...haha. I witnesses how my friends cried over their broken relationships.

Why is it hard for us to move on from our previous relationships? And why we tend to linger the pain rather than leaving them.

1.) Acceptance.

As they said, the first thing to do in moving on is ACCEPTANCE. We always have a hard in accepting the fact "the hindi na pwde thing". The truth hurts us so much in accepting that we are not enough for them and we are not the reasons anymore the glints and smiles that we see in their eyes. And we are afraid of letting go the dreams we have painted that we gonna have a family and grow old together with man/woman.

2.) We always think that we cannot found someone better than them.

After the break up, first thing in our mind. What's life after this? How we gonna start again without them in our life? We came to the conclusion that we cannot found someone better than them that’s why we choose to cling on them even the pain shreds us everyday. But if you will just listened the small voice in you, you know you deserve someone much better.

3.) You're afraid of being alone.

If we are under the spell of love, we forgot our friends; we don't hang out with them anymore. We let our world surrounds with our special someone, that's the reason why we felt so alone the time they will leave us. But friends are friends, no matter what happens they will always be there for us. They are more than willing to listen with our pains and wipe our tear kahit may kasamang batok iyan.haha

4.) The fear of being to be at pain again.

Nobody wants to undergo pain and depression since these are the hardest emotions to deal with. Everytime you meet someone new, the fear from
the past will hunt you that this person might hurt you as well. We always forgot that the scars from the past will help to be stronger and wiser and teach us to love again.

I know moving on is not an overnight process it will take a long time to linger the pain before you can forget about it. It took you a lot of sleepless nights and tears before you can cope the loneliness of missing of that special person in your life. Why not take it slowly, live, endure and embrace the pain until such time it can’t affect you anymore. Let yourself cry walang naman mamatay dyan, isang araw mapapagod ka din,haha.. Then you started to smile again at tatawa ka na lang sa mga pinagdadaan mo. Kailan na ba ang tamang panahon na dapat tayo mag let go sa isang relationship. I saw this blog while I was browsing in the net I know it help that’s why I like to post this.

Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship

#1.  When you live in past memories more than the present.

Do you replay the happy moments of the relationship to make you feel good about it? Do you use them as reasons to continue on with him/her?
If so, it’s a sign your current relationship isn’t how you want it to be. I realized the more we live in the past memories and/or a self-created future, the more we are living in a self-created reality. This is dangerous since it’s not reflective of the actual state of the relationship.
You have to remember your relationship with the person exists in the current moment. Not in the past. Past memories should remain as memories and not as a reason to stay together. Your decision on whether to stay with the person should be based on your current feelings for him/her, the actual state of the relationship and the future you see with him/her.

#2.  When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.
Sometimes, we tend to be blinded by the past happy moments of the relationship. To the extent we forget about all the unhappiness it brings us. If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more often than not; If your relationship is leaving you in tears every so often, perhaps this might not be the right person for you. The relationship you are in now should be one which brings you happiness now. Just like #1, if the main source of happiness of your relationship is from past memories, something is amiss.

#3. When he/she expects you to change.
The truest form of love is one that’s unconditional. Your partner shouldn’t expect you to change, unless it’s for your well-being (such as to quit smoking or to adopt a healthier diet). Some of my friends had ex-boyfriends who wanted them to change, such as to dress up more often to look prettier or to lose weight when said friend was of healthy weight. There was even one who actually suggested my friend to shave her arm and leg hair because he felt it a given for girls!

The issue here isn’t about you. The issue isn’t about the change itself either. The issue is about the expectation of you to change. While some requests may start off seemingly normal/benign, they will quickly build on over time. Even as you concede to the requests, more will come. It marks the first step of him/her trying to mold you into his/her expectations of you, rather than you growing into your own.

#4. When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.

The above applies for the other person as much as it applies for you. If you are staying on / getting into the relationship expecting the
person to change, you are in this for the wrong reason. You are trying to change the person to fit your expectations, rather than accept
him/her as the individual he/she is.

Even if the person does changes, soon you will have something else you want him/her to change. You will never be fully satisfied with how he/she is. The worst thing is, if the other person isn’t conscious, he/she will keep changing just to fit your expectations. In the end, he/she will just end up being your shadow.

This happened between my ex-best friend, K, and me. While we were not in a romantic relationship, some issues we faced in our friendship are probably similar to what others face in their romantic relationships. Through our friendship, I began to see him as an extension of me, rather than as a separate individual. K did not have a very strong self-identity at the time, so unfortunately he kept changing to fit what I wanted. In the end, he was became my shadow. After 10 years of friendship, we had to part ways, because it was the better path for us to grow as individuals – for him to grow into his own, and for me to grow into my own as well.

#5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.

Whenever we experience a situation we’re uncomfortable about, we
experience cognitive dissonance. It refers to the discomfort from
being faced with something that conflicts against our beliefs. When
this happens, we try to come up with explanations, justifications so
we can feel good about the situation.

This if we feel the need to justify an action, that means we are
uncomfortable with the action itself and we want to explain away the
discomfort. The danger behind this is that the explanations are
self-created and may or may not be true. If  you are repeatedly
justifying his/her actions, the relationship becomes built on your
rationalizations, rather than the reality. Likelihood is that you are
living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth.
#6. When he/she is causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt.
Physical and verbal abuse are definite no-no’s. There is clearly
something wrong if the other party abuses/hits/curses/swears at you,
no matter how he/she tries to make up for it later. Even if it may be
the spur of the moment, the fact that he/she lets slip in that moment
shows there is something deep inside him/her that needs addressing.

Emotional hurt is trickier. A lot of people negate emotional hurt
because it’s not visible. Ignore it, and it’s not there. But emotional
hurt is hurt all the same, if not worse. The wounds that are hardest
to heal are the emotional ones, not the physical ones.

I was emotionally hurt by G when he flippantly led me on with his
words and behavior, even after I told him not to do it. This had a
lingering effect on me for years even after I broke away, which took a
long while to heal. Even though he may not have realized what his
words/actions did to me, the fact was that he wasn’t conscious enough
about my feelings to realize the hurt he was causing me.

The point of this example isn’t to persecute anyone, but to illustrate
that the other party should be someone who respects you and is
conscious enough of your feelings/well-being not to let you be hurt.
If he/she has caused you hurt, you need to bring it to his/her
awareness and address it together. Keeping mum about it is like
handing a free pass to let the hurting behavior continue. If the same
thing happens even after you have made efforts to address it, you need
to reevaluate the relationship. If he/she can’t care for you properly,
he/she might not be the right person for you.

#7. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.

Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another

chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong. I finally
realized nothing was coming out from the relationship between G and I
after our loop played out the third time. Each time, I did what I
could to make it work out, but it always stopped at the same end. It
was more than enough evidence that this was the end.

Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep
landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome,
time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to
accept this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep
pressing on, but it’s a matter of time before it sinks in that there’s
nothing further to go. This is the end of the road. There is a future
for you and him/her, and this relationship isn’t the route to that

#8. When he/she puts little to no effort in the relationship.
Every relationship requires effort by the duo. The same applies for
familial bonds, friendships, mentorships and most definitely love.
Both of you have to commit to the relationship together. If you are
constantly the one putting in more effort, sooner than later it’ll
drain you. You have to give more and more just to keep the
relationship afloat. Unless this imbalance is addressed, it will only
become bigger and bigger over time. Soon you sink your whole self into
it, losing your self identity in the process.

When you see relationships where one is investing way more effort than
the other, they are usually headed to doomsville. Some of my friends
were in such situations. They invested themselves into their
relationships and poured in their hearts and souls. Their partners, on
the other hand, only put in a fraction of that. They barely cared – it
seemed as if the relationship was just a nice add-on to their lives,
rather than something they really valued. Soon, said partners began
drifting away. My friends kept giving more and more, hoping they could
salvage the situation. This only slowed down breaking off process but
didn’t prevent it.

Don’t get me wrong – it is possible for a relationship to last even
when one party is putting in more effort than the other. However, are
you prepared to do that for the rest of your life? Is your ideal
relationship partner someone who doesn’t care to invest as much effort
into the relationship as you? I personally think all of us deserves
someone who treasures us fully, who wants to be with us as much as we
want to be with us. To have it any other way is like having a car with
a tyre busted – it’ll keep moving in a slant until it eventually
drives off the cliff.

#9. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.
For any friendship or relationship to work out, there has to be
certain similarity in fundamental values. Similarity in these values
are the big rocks which will hold the friendship in place. Even if
other things are dissimilar, the big rocks will enable the friendship
to weather through even the toughest storms ahead.

#10. When the relationship holds you back, hence preventing both of
you from growing as individuals.

A relationship is ultimately a third entity formed due to two
individuals. Every relationship evolves based on how both parties are
growing. Sometimes both parties grow at the same pace. There are times
where the relationship is one of stagnancy, where both parties don’t
grow. Then there are times when one outgrows the other, by a large

When this happens, you have two options (i) change the dynamics of the
relationship to fit this new development, or change yourself  to
maintain the same dynamics. As I shared above, it’s most important to
first be true to ourselves. Determine who you are and who you want to
be, then decide if this relationship is one that is compatible with
you. A relationship that hinders you from growing into your own isn’t
the best one for you. On top of that, if you are not able to grow into
your own, chances are your partner is facing a similar blockage as
well. A real relationship should be one that enables you in your
personal life journey, so you can then enable your partner in his/her
life journeys as well.

#11.When you stay on, expecting things to get better.

This is similar to #1, except it pertains to the future. Just like how
you don’t live in the past, you don’t live in the future. You can hope
that the future will be better, but the fact is you live now. If the
only thing that’s making you hold on is the hope of a better future,
the relationship isn’t exactly built on solid grounds. The future you
wish for is one of the many possibilities that can occur, a
possibility that may never come to reality. It’s dangerous to base the
fate of the relationship on something that might not occur. A building
built on a shaky foundation will crash to an unsightly end when the
foundation gives way.

#12. When neither of you feel the same way about each other.

Things change. People change. If the feelings are no longer there,
it’s time to move on. Some of you might linger on in a relationship
even though the feelings are gone. Perhaps it has become part of your
routine and you don’t know what to do once you break away. Some of you
continue on because the relationship still serves certain functional
purposes, such as companionship.

Yet, a relationship without the mutual feelings is like a body without
a heart. There’s no soul or life in it. If you no longer have feelings
for the other party, staying on is doing the other person an
injustice. More importantly, it’s doing you a huge injustice. It’s
best for him/her and you to part ways so you can move to better

If the other person doesn’t have feelings for you anymore, holding on
to him/her only drags out the misery. Realize that “True love doesn’t
have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one
way of saying I love you.” Just because you love the person doesn’t
mean you have to be with the person. True love exists outside of the
physical fabric of a relationship. This is just a form of expression
of love, but in no way is the single definition of love.

I’ll end off this article with a final quote:

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want
to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the
world, it’s the beginning of a new life.– Author Unknown

No comments:

Post a Comment