2012 it's been a great year for me, many things has happened. Some of those taught me how to be stronger in every struggles that will come in my way. Many times I fall, cried, hurt, fooled and LEARNED. But, I still stand at the end of every pages of my book. And I want to embrace 2013 with a full courage that I can face all the challenges that comes in my way.
Mixed emotions strikes me...at some time I was thinking I am inlove and in a while I am broken hearted...haha... Some love stories ends while others just started, while some it has to end before it started.... Yes, I don't like this feeling I have right now. Inferiority strikes me, well it's not new to me to feel this, many times I've been in this struggle until such time I learn to smile at it but this time I can't handle the feeling anymore maybe because it is came from the person special to me. I wanted to shut up and sat down in the corner and the let the feeling be gone.
A week had been past from the last time I visit the place that I have stayed for more than a decade. Actually it's not an easy decision to leave the place kasi mabigat sa loob ko not because the place but because of the people that surrounds me. Co's I know I gonna truly miss them. But for some reasons and purposes I have to leave, and for the future wise also. As of the moment, I am coping with the new environment I have, though there are some friends who are still working in this new company also but it's a nice feeling to know new people. But the night shift it's not easy to cope...hahaha..specially between 3 am to 4 am sleepiness strikes every inch of my senses...hahaha..but maybe in the future I'm gonna used to it...
2 Nights of not in the mood of everything, Yes! I am in the
bad temper. It's been several times that I don't write of what I truly felt
because I am protecting someone feelings. I don't know when I started taking
care of this someone, maybe from the time that he became my confidante of
everything. I started to know him deeply beyond the physical appearance I've seen from
him. One morning, I just woke up that I have the feeling that I don't want to
hurt him anymore.
Yes, I just thought that he was the one that can cure the
pain in the past. And yes, I will admit that I started falling with him,
everything was seemed alright, I started to smile and pain in the past slowly
healed. But everything changed that time I feel that I was neglected, sometimes
I demand time especially I felt that I am only second in the list. By then, I
started to distance myself from him, it’s not easy at first, its painful to
keep distance from someone who teach to smile again. Plus the fact that he is
far, far, far away from me, and the experienced in the past teach me not to
trust anyone immediately.
Recently, I have so much regrets about my past,
memories hunts me every now and then simply because I am frustrated with my life, seeing them happy it brings a different feelings to me because envy eloped my whole being. Because inside me wishing that someday I can also be happy like them and not because I still have feelings for them.
Judging my action without asking me and making his own
conclusion just because of what he reads breaks my heart. And one thing that can burst
my temper kung paringgan ako through quotes. Why you can tell me directly to my
face so that I can answer you properly and not spreading of what you believed
with others. As you said you want friendship then I can give what you want.
Let's stop what we have now and continue with darn life. Maybe I can get used
to it and maybe its time for me also to open again with someone. I'm tired
putting reservation into myself just because I care so much with the person.
I'm tired of doing of that. I want someone who will take good care of me.
I was browsing in the net when I saw this story, while reading this I can't help myself not to cry. It reminds of my ever dearest mom, her unconditional love toward us. And I'm thinking that her birthday is coming and thinking a gift for her.hehehe...
Lesson of this story while our parents still in our side. Let's show our care and love for them while we can still hug them...
My mom only had one eye. I hated her, she was such an embarrassment.
My mom ran a small shop at a flea market.She collected little weeds
and such to sell, anything for the money we needed she was such an
embarrassment.There was this one day during elementary school. I
remember that it was field day, and my mom came. I was so embarrassed.
How could she do this to me? I threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school..."Your mom only has one eye?!" and they taunted
me. I wished that my mom would just disappear from this world so I
said to my mom, "Mom, why don't you have the other eye?! You're only
going to make me a laughingstock. Why don't you just die?" My mom did
not respond. I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it
felt good to think that I had said what I'd wanted to say all this
time. Maybe it was because my mom hadn't punished me, but I didn't think that I had hurt her feelings very badly. That
night...I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
My mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she was afraid that she
might wake me. I took a look at her, and then turned away. Because of
the thing I had said to her earlier, there was something pinching at
me in the corner of my heart. Even so, I hated my mother who was
crying out of her one eye. So I told myself that I would grow up and
become successful, because I hated my one-eyed mom and our desperate
poverty. Then I studied really hard. I left my mother and came to
Seoul and studied, and got accepted in the Seoul University with all
the confidence I had. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own.
Then I had kids, too. Now I'm living happily as a successful man. I
like it here because it's a place that doesn't remind me of my mom. This
happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when someone unexpected came
to see me "What?! Who's this?!"... It was my mother...Still with her
one eye. It felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me. My
little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye. And I asked her,
"Who are you? I don't know you!!!" as if I tried to make that real. I
screamed at her "How dare you come to my house and scare my daughter!
Get out here now!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "oh, I'm
so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared.
Thank good ness... she doesn't recognize me. I was quite relieved. I
told myself that I wasn't going to care, or think about this for the
rest of my life. Then a wave of relief came upon me... one day, a
letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. I lied to my wife
saying that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went
down to the old shack, that I used to call a house...just out of
curiosity there, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground. But I
did not shed a single tear. She had a piece of paper in her hand....
it was a letter to me. My Son, I think my life has been long
enough now. And... I won't visit Seoul anymore... but would it be too
much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once in a while? I miss
you so much. And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the
reunion. But I decided not to go to the school.... For you... I'm
sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment for you. You
see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost
your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up
with only one eye... so I gave you mine... I was so proud of my son
that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. I
was never upset at you for anything you did. The couple times that
you were angry with me. I thought to myself, 'it's because he loves
me.' I miss the times when you were still young around me. I miss
you so much. I love you. You mean the world to me. My world shattered!
Then I cried for the person who lived for me. My Mother.
It's been a long time since I wrote something in this blog. Lately, I've been so numbed I can't think of anything, and worst of all I even stopped praying though every night I still have the time to talk with my GOD. I miss my GOD, the feeling that HE was there listening my hang ups in life, everytime I talked about some guys I meet along the way, or even the guy who sit next to me in the cab or even in the church...haha..(well I'm just a fool sometimes..) I miss the feeling that HE was touching my hair everytime I cried because someone hurt me. Guiltiness strikes me every way, I know I've done a lot things which is contrary in HIS way. But I know deep inside my GOD was waiting for me to comeback in his arms.
On the other side, I'm planning to write a tagalog poem for the first time...haha...I am inspired the song of Mr. Martin Nievera in titled Ikaw ang Lahat sa akin...it was a really a nice song...for the heart broken out there...haha... There's this line in the song that I feel so darn hurt I don't know why...haha..
"ikaw ang lahat sa akin, kahit ika'y wala sa aking piling isang magandang alaala isang kahpon, lagi kong kasama ikaw ang lahat sa akin kahit ika'y di ko dapat ibigin dapat ba kitang limutin
pano mapipigil ang isang damdamin kung ang sinisigaw ikaw ang lahat sa akin"
O diba ang sakit ng bonggang bongga ang mga lines na ito...haha... One of my close friend in the office ask me "Why I am still single?" I answered him I don't know why,haha.. Then he told something that make me think for a while.
"Ikaw naman kasi dai, sunod sunod kasi ng ngmahal hindi mo hinayaan ang self mo na totally ma recover from one pain, kaya ngayon hindi mo na alam paano mo paghilumin ang sakit ng nkaraan."
Darn, it make me stop, and think for a while, there's this someone in my past that still hunt me every now and then. I can still remember the happy memories that we have, I miss his hand fitted with mine, his hugs, his kiss in my hair, his sweet nothings and everytime he sing a song for me. Haissttt...that even a simpliest song still lingers his memory and the funny thing ang kanta is...
there's something for you at SM...nyahaha
Oh, diba kabaliwan lang...haha...but I want to start the tagalog poem I wanted to write...it's not really my forte actually, I preferred to write it in English kasi minsan may mga bagay ako tinatago sa bawat lines..
